Fear...

When I first started trying to lose weight and turn my life around several years ago it wasn't long before I remember looking at people running on treadmills at the gym and wondering if I could do that.  It wasn't much longer after that I crossed the finish line of my first marathon and had learned to truly love running.  My Dad was a runner, and now I was and I LOVED it.  In time I learned the joy of being lost in your own thoughts on a long run where 18 miles clicks by in what feels like ten minutes and your almost sad when its over.  I've seen many cities across the U.S. wake up as I've run through them during my work travels.  I've almost been hit by a deer on a early morning run, seen bald eagles, seals, dolphins, foxes, horses, cows, lizards, and felt closer to nature than I ever have when out on my run.  I've spent many joyfull hours being lost in the pleasure of it.  It feels like home to me.

Last year when I got into traithlons they started with a feeling of "just get to the run and you'll be fine".  Once there I knew I was at home.  I could turn on the speed and pass people left and right.  I remember how great if felt during my first half ironman last summer when I was flying past people in the run who were struggling and walking.  It felt amazing!  I was at home, and in my comfort zone showing off my strength.  I felt indestructible last year once on top of my sneakers.  I was at home and at peace when running.

And now a year later I find myself filled with fear at the thought of running again.  I haven't run outside since February 14th when I ran my second marathon of 2011 with the girl.  I've done a few runs on the Alter G treadmill in rehab but thats been it.  And now I've been cut free of my physical therapy and left out on my own to figure the rest out.  And as I sit here thinking about when will I do my first run I'm filled with fear.  What was once such a place of comfort for me now feels so distant.  I took my running for granted and for that I feel foolish.

So now what?  When will I take those first steps?  Well Saturday I decided to ride the Patriot Half Iron Bike Course at race pace to see how that would feel.  The Amica is far enough out that theres plenty of time to recover from an effort like that so I rode the course as hard as I could.  I just missed my goal to average 20mph on the course for 56 miles and ended up with a 19.8 avg at 160Watts.  I was certainly pleased I could average that pace at that wattage though so that was nice.  Getting aero and getting fitted has certainly paid off!  But I digress...     so after that very hard ride I decided to for for the two mile run at ten minute miles my friends had planned on doing as a brick run.  Nice super easy pace and a short distance.

I have to say that was the longest two miles I've run in a very very long time.  It felt rather strange.  One mile has never taken so long to run.  2 miles felt like forever, and 13 seemed an impossibility once again which is ridiculous!  I can't really say how it felt...   I didn't quite have enough nutrition with me on the bike so I felt pretty done before we even started the run as I'd only taken in 450 calories in three hours.  Well under my needed 750-900 calories to run well.  So I finished that run and was just happy to be through it pain free.

However after the run I didn't get that "YEAH! that was pain free and fabulous I can run again" feeling that I so long for.  So now here I sit on Monday wondering when to try and go for that solo 3 mile run.  Its a short distance, and I plan on going slowly.  But I'm scared.  I'm scared to go out and run it and have it not go well.  I'm afraid of what will happen and what the consequences will be if I can't run again this summer.  I NEED to be able to run again.  Amazing psychological things happen to me when I run.  The world becomes at peace and balance is restored to my crowded mind.  Without it I feel lost.  And so I'm afraid to run those first steps for fear of closing a door I so long to be propped open forever. 

I know I'm being overly dramatic about this...  but this is a place to process my thoughts out loud.  And so here I am...   processing...   and worrying...   and wondering....

wish me luck....